i have LOST myself.

woooo~ dramatic title. lols. i know. moody time. it's been a long while since i've come to this place to seek comfort.


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i have lost myself. i need it back. where can i find it? what would i find if i do? would i be different? changed by the places and seasons i've passed through? or would i be unscathed and return in old memories lost?

i loved drawing with a passion. i used to immerse myself.... sink into it so much so that i completely forget who i am, where i am and how much time lingers by. completely unreachable beside my minds phantom fantasies and vivid illusions. now i barely hold a pencil to a surface.

i enjoyed writing things. poems. stories. lyrics..... even my deepest thoughts, even if they only last a pitiful moment before it gets torn and forgotten. now i write insignificant words along meaningless musings of an empty day.

i have lost myself within all chaos and discrepancies in life that refuse to rid themselves beyond all sight. i need it back. i need me.

need me. please.
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lol. a little impromptu emo drabble. it's how i really feel though. lately it's just getting through day by day for me. i don't even know what i'm doing with myself. i get up, go to class and come back unsatisfied. studying used to cheer me up a lot. my brain gears turn and i'm like a well oiled nerdy machine. maths? peace of cake. chemistry? you got it! now everything's creaky and rusty. NOTHING satisfies me anymore. even eating! would you imagine? me? the notorious foodie. tired of food.

guess it all just boils down to needing someone. or an inspiration. a good good friend. someone like a sister. cuz i don't have one. or maybe a close family bond? ........nope. don't have that either. i come home and all i miss is my room.

dad isn't around. messed up and did some fucked up stuff i've never really cared about. mom just doesn't understand that i need her to be my friend. she just keeps pushing me away. breaking my heart with every word she says. my brothers have their own thing. they prolly don't even care about me. do i care about them? very questionable.

sum it up?

i have no family. i have a father, a mother and two siblings. NO FAMILY. my room is my home. not the entire house. i step out of my room and i'm on alien territory. neutral grounds.

i miss being with me. but who am i really? i didn't have a childhood. most of those years were spent sticking my nose between school books and being the kid that tries to please everyone. the over-achiever, the teacher's pet. someone else. was it me living through those days? i have my doubts.

i wish i had a sister. maybe i'd turn out different. someone i can talk to and tell my problems and fears and worries. someone to fight with, someone to protect, someone that would protect me. i just need someone i can talk to with earnest. i have yet to find that person. i dunno. maybe the problem lies in myself. i realize i'm not someone who can really open up about things. it's hard. you never know if the person you open up to would honestly listen to you, or whether they would just mute you out and ignore you till you're done and over with it. i wonder, do they really like to be with me? if they don't like me, then i wouldn't wanna bother them with my pathetic stories. i dunno.

this is why i'd rather be alone. within the comfort of my own thoughts. books. music. alone. it's better. i'm addicted to solitude, really. oh! but is that my problem, perhaps? maybe that's why people don't bother to ask me out? "oh, she'd rather hang out by herself anyway. why bother asking?" is that it? wrong guys. i love my friends more than blood. yea, i enjoy being alone. doesn't mean i wouldn't be hurt if you left me out of the group. it hurts, really. truly. terribly.

well, hopefully i find someone that would be able to help me find myself and stop me from losing my way. hopefully, i won't ever have to feel lost ever again. just need someone.

hopefully....