Names and Faces

sometimes i feel rude. why? because i have an extreme difficulty in remembering people's faces or their names. mostly people's names. and i feel horrible when there's someone who knows me and i can't recall their name. it's like the rudest thing ever right? i just dunno why though. maybe it's because i just have this wall around me whenever i first meet a person.

see, i guess it's my insecurities speaking but i always assume that if i won't be meeting this person at a daily basis, the person's not gonna remember me anyway so why should i bother. like, i always think; "tch. as if this person wants to be friends with me." i really have no clue but i often feel this way. like i'm not someone you would want to get closer to so i make the first move and save them the trouble and staying out of the way.

i dunno. i guess i'm pretty pathetic despite my 'i don't give a fuck' general attitude. i'm friends with a lot of pretty people. like srsly pretty people. and most of the time when i'm walking with them, especially when walking past the male specimen, sometimes male college mates, they'll say hi to my friend and yet, as big as i am (i'm like an XXL) they seem to completely ignore my existence. and for a microsecond i just feel like supremely bummed out. kinda hurts for a bit but i figure, it ain't worth it. i'm not gonna be some attention whore and be all up in their face. that'll just be sad. i have my pride, yo.

but even when the guy actually greets me and is super nice, i still figure he won't be paying much attention to me and probably won't even bother remembering me so i'll just forget about him first. i mean, why would he remember me when i have my friend standing right here. it sounds super gross that i think like this, and it seems as if i'm blaming the guys and my friends, but i'm really not. i'm just trying to explain the extent of my self-deprecating tendencies and my deep-rooted insecurities.

thing is, this doesn't just apply to guys. sometimes there'll be some really cool fellow sisters that i'd like to be friends with and then instantly that wall will materialize and a whispering voice would say, "look at how cool she is and look at how lame and non-cool-normal-people you are. why would she be interested to be friends with you?" and then i instantly just shy away. like we'll say hi and talk for a bit, introduce ourselves but then i get really awkward and after we say goodbye, i sign it off as her thinking; "yeah. prolly won't meet you again. sorry." and then that's it. lol.

and that's why i have a hard time remembering names and faces. my super unnecessary super complicated super melodramatic line of thought just instinctively prevents me from letting a name stick. i can remember a face. but i won't remember the name. it gets to a point where i'll say, "i know this person. but who is s/he again?" .............for real.

so i'd just like to say i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone when they know who i am but i don't recall their name. i'm just slow. but once i start to open up and we meet more often, you'd know that i'm a pretty loyal friend. i just take awhile to get to know the little details. first will be the name, and then it's the birthday and then it's your phone number. those are the hardest. teehee. other than that i'll be fine.

um, yeah. a little insider scoop on me, myself and i.

thanks for stoppin by!

p/s: this post has been in drafts for about a couple of months now. finally had enough energy to actually finish writing this entry and publish it. lol. was too lazy. sorry. haha!!XD

assalamualaikum.